The purpose of this article is to express the author’s feeling about a situation wherein the heart has to decide over a matter that the mind can oppose to in cases of losing a loved one from a separation. Losing a loved one caused by a separation is never easy to handle. It takes so much time for both parties to recover from the trauma of the lost. Some may either move on easily but others take time. Separation may either be caused by death, divorce or marriage annulment or just the decision to break up for some reasons. Reasons may be very hard to unveil but some would cling on to the word to get things done. Whoever was the problem, whatever is behind it, nothing, and no one and not even ourselves can comprehend why such thing has to happen. But in time, as we learn to accept the fact of the matter, things will become very clear that in some way or another separation has to happen.
It takes time for the wounds to heal. How much time is needed, the person who grieves has the last say. It is up to the person on how long does he / she want to get over the situation. Some may take years to recover, while others who are braver may take just a while.
Whatever word, questions or answers that we have in our dealings with this pain of separation, the hurt becomes very visible. We may be over things already, but some questions remain unanswered…so many questions, but the answers are so few…eventually, things may lead into bitterness especially when the other party failed to recover or move on from the tragedy.
Separation is hurtful. Hurt has got to be one of our major problems today. You can get hurt so badly that you cut yourself off from feeling altogether. Lovers hurt. Even if the relationship is still on going, there comes a time when the partners experience hurt. And when they do, the worse situation comes in…bad for those whose minds are closed to the reality of the feeling…hail to those who have the gift of forgiving and understanding!
A relationship begins with dreams. That is why when it breaks, it shatters the partners. The effect of break-up is not same for both the partners, because both are never equally committed to the relationship from the beginning. It is one partner who gives more of himself/herself to make the relationship a great relationship, and it is always the other partner who breaks it, because he/she never had great stake in it. The tragedy is that the partner who commits more always thinks of his/her dreams as the joint dreams but the truth is different. How can such a partner overcome this break-up?
The pain of feeling betrayed is very much to begin with. That is associated with anger on oneself for being so naive. There is anger on the other partner for breaking up. All this makes a person very sad, frustrated and disbeliever in the good qualities of human beings. Suddenly he/she will look at all other human beings as highly unreliable. Constant thought and misery of breaking up and sadness makes the mind so tired, that logical thinking becomes difficult. The pain overwhelms the mind. This phase may continue forever and may lead to physical and emotional breakdown of the person, if help is not sought from counselors immediately. One should talk about everything that happened and be very open without any attempt to distort any fact. This will slowly drain some pain out.
Advising people to join other activity etc. is of no use at most of the times, because everything is very temporary. Unless the sufferer accepts the pain and makes peace with that pain, one will suffer forever. A person can declare – ‘I accept that I am undergoing pain. I agree that I have been cheated. I agree that life may never be the same again. I agree that I may live with my pain forever. I sympathize with myself and I pamper myself. I will try to live as much as I can positively. Rest I will pray and leave to God.’
After ending a three year relationship with my boyfriend my heart tells me to go on…but my mind tells me to stop and hurt for a while. Sometimes, these two systems battle a lot and I get confused. I don’t know who is lying and who is telling the truth. I would get confused all the time on who has the right to feel and who has the right to think. I would often argue with myself on who is most hurt from the situation, if it is my heart or my mind. My mind tells me to get mad, to be bitter, to cry and not to forgive … but my heart tells me to lie. My boyfriend got another woman pregnant. Tell me, what right do I have just to make him realize how painful it is for me? Do I have the right to slap him? Or at least shout at him and say things that will hurt his ego? Tell me! Well, stop, it won’t matter now. Since my heart told me to lie about my feelings, I did! It spoke with me and it mattered over my mind. I chose to understand him and even forgave him. I told myself that instead of losing this guy forever, I’d rather save the friendship. At least this string of friendship will keep me with him.
I am not a martyr. I did not do this for him to realize his mistakes. I did not do this for him to realize that he has t stick with me. I don’t need anything from him now. I don’t need him to hold on…even if I want to … I can’t. I don’t want to ruin a budding family. I don’t want the baby to be fatherless. I don’t want to be the antagonist of the love story that he made without me. But why do you think did I do this? I don’t know. My friends won’t understand too. My family hated him as well as our common friends. They felt that they were betrayed. But I remained for him. I stood by his side. I don’t want him to feel that he made the biggest of his life. I just don’t want to lose him and hurt him even if he has hurt me already. I don’t know how I am able to go on like this. But the irony of it all is that, I am happy … with what, I don’t know; that I am hurting, but it doesn’t show; that I am lonely but I can smile; that my friends hate him but I remained one for him… and the most ironic thing that happened, despite the decision to let him go, forgive and understand what he has done, we remained together…yes, I was the woman he has gotten pregnant. Yes there was another girl in his life. I was the other woman. I am placing my shoes on her…I will be this strong like her…I will also train my hear to lie if things don’t work out for me.