The start of the essay itself is very abrupt there is no proper introduction to the entire essay. The sentences are rather long and incomplete, for instance “No amount of replication, no matter how…” The sentence does not end correctly with a period. In the second paragraph, the use of “namely” is misplaced, there are many such words used inappropriately. The references and quotations are also not correctly done.
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The writer does come out successfully with the main argument about why humans do not have a right to destroy the habitats of animals, but doesn't go about doing it in an easy to understand way. The sentence “But too many of us apparently feel …” is complicated and a very long one, this can be easily broken down in two simpler sentences thereby bringing out the meaning more effectively.
Most of the sentences used are disconnected there is no connection between the first and the second, for instance the sentence “We do not need to look at animals in a zoo. And animals have…” Punctuation, use of commas, capital letters and colon are all misplaced in the paragraphs throughout the essay. Many big phrases are used which could have been replaced by simpler ones, such “inalienable”. Most of the sentences used are contradictory to what the writer says in the previous sentence; such differences can be easily separated in two paragraphs, so that a stronger argument can be put across, instead of creating a mix-up of ideas.
The writer seems to have understood the meaning of the topic, but has been unable to put forward her argument in the correct format. All the arguments are mixed up and do not effectively convey whether the writer wants animals in zoos or out of it. There is no firm argument or fact that has been put forward to support either decision.
It is also very difficult to understand the essay because it hasn't been written correctly. It is easy to understand that the writer is not a native speaker of English, so there should be even more care taken during writing in English. Proper usage of grammar and sentence formation is very important to put forward an argument or opinion.
It is very difficult to grade the paper which does not meet the basic requirements of an argument essay. If the grading is divided into sections, then the result would be as follows: Appropriate usage of English language - E, putting forth arguments effectively - D, writer's ability to comprehend -E, writer's ability to express -E, basic understanding about the topic - D, effective use of references - C and level of conviction and convincing ability - D.
The writer has been rated thus because she fails to communicate the basic theme and argument through the essay. The English language is not easy to read and understand.
Some of the suggestions for the writer are as follows: Join an English writing class so that it will help you in writing essays more effectively. She needs to concentrate on grammar, punctuation and sentence forming to be able to express in English successfully. Another suggestion is that she needs to rewrite the essay in a proper format so that a reader can easily comprehend the topic being discussed. The flow of the essay needs to be maintained, a short introduction about the topic, the pros and cons of the argument next followed by the argument that is being defended. This needs to include facts, figures maybe even statistics of animals being endangered, killed and harmed. Argument can also be supported by information from articles on organisations that have been successful in helping wildlife thrive.
The writer has understood the basic concept of the essay but what would be important is to express it in words properly. With a little help I am sure the writer can do a much better essay. The revision should therefore, bring out the points suggested. There is also a possibility of a grading revision if the suggestions are suitably followed and essay revised based on the points emphasized.
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